(this one might be long and might be very vague. i’m not sure because these are my raw feelings/thoughts)
Past few weeks have been the craziest for me. I don’t want to give away details but I somehow need to put everything out of my system and into words.
My heart aches when I think about it. Passing my time was difficult and I started missing few people who I love but haven’t had a talk with since a long period of time due to sheer grudge which I was holding against them or some fight or misunderstandings.
Or may be I was just missing the old times when things were much simpler and innocence meant to be innocent rather than ‘not being involved into something bad’.
After a lot of self-doubting and questioning about what exactly is going on, I decided to let go on my doubts, ask a clear question to myself and just stay.
I’m still not sure if I have an answer to them and thus I started journaling things down again.
Lately I found myself involved in work place politics and if you don’t know what it is or how it is then let me tell you this – It sucks!
The person who is supposed to be the so-called-head gave away few information in my name and it legit broke my heart when a 3rd person came to me accusing me to betray their trust.
I’m not even into all this bullshit.
Until, I came to know that the so-called-head has been using my name against me.
To much of confusion. Isn’t it? This is why it sucks. When I confronted him asking him to stop using my name when I was not even into it, he convinced me with his political skills that it is only the best thing to do.
And somehow, I found myself convinced. And today after almost a week of that incident, I’m into self doubt and utter confusion of what exactly is happening. And more than that, how did I even ended up in this position?
You know what’s worse? I’m afraid and I don’t know of what exactly. And thus I decided to pull a fullstop on this topic atleast from my side. I don’t even want to clear things for now atleast when I know that everything is going to backfire on me and I’ve no clue whom to trust. It is that frustrating.
When I was 10, I found this world to be a beautiful place. I wasn’t aware of the universal laws or anything antique.
When I turned 15, I found this world to be even more beautiful, loving, fun and to be the beat thing ever.
But now that I’ve started working and started being in corporates, I wonder when did this world turn this nasty?
I’m just 20. I’m not depressed, nor do I hate anyone. But I’m afraid of this getting worse. I find myself in fornt on these pile of questions and I’m looking for the answers.
I want this to be just a normal thing. I hope this is not what work place means. I hope it gets much better. Of course I won’t be working here forever. It is just an internship. But I just H O P E this is not what is it. I hope this is a temporary feeling.
Over all of these, I missed few people and keeping all the grudges aside, without a second thought, I sent them a ‘Hey’. It was a start of a new conversation and somewhere, it gave me a little relief inside.
I love what I’m today. I don’t have any complains. I’m very much concerned about my character, my reputation and may be that’s why all of these affects me. I’ve never found myself involved into anything even close like this which makes it hard for me. But I can’t let my days pass in these confused feelings and doubts and so I let go what wrong I’ve done to myself and others and also all the things and people who have wronged me. I know that if I keep it with me, I am going nowhere.
May be I’m guilty of few things. May be I regret doing few things. But I’ve had enough.
I’m doing no good if I can’t even forgive and let go myself. I’ve many bigger things to do and achieve. And I don’t know how would that happen if I hold on to negations. So here is to letting my guilts, regrets, sorrow and complains.
I might have few of these again in future may be. But as for now, I want this to be my revival.
If you made it till here reading my rants and confessions, I am so greatful to you!
Thank you for holding on :’)
Also, let go if you are holding anything against you. Just do your work, say thank you, live your life to the fullest. You have got only one life to live. If in this process you hurt someone unintentionally, that’s okay. Please don’t blame yourself. It is not your fault. A sorry with a hug always works. Especially if it is a work place politics where you don’t even want to be on the first place.
sab moh-maya hai